After a painful sleepless summer where I was misdiagnosed, I was finally blindsided by a diagnosis I never expected. Cancer. I debated during my lucid hours in September and October whether or not to share on my blog my newest challenge on this so-called “journey” in life. Do I have a responsibility to share this horrible what is just “news” to 95% of the people who read my postings? Is an explanation required if I never ever post again? Obviously, I made a decision to share my news.
Fight, fight, fight — is what they all say. If only it were that easy. I can almost hear them whispering, “you know, no wonder she got sick; she lost a daughter and she could not get over her grief.” I resent that anyone would insinuate that Amy caused this cancer. It happens. But is it unreasonable to think that losing Amy would have excused me from cancer? Well, it didn’t. Now I am back to the “thoughts and prayers” and “I am sorry” texts. Again, I am in the victim role. And here we go again … Poor Dee, she lost her daughter and now 3 years later she has cancer. If you are thinking that — well I agree.
I am not willing or able to share the details of this horribly painful health crisis I find myself sucked into. Here I am again isolated from the general population and being held hostage under circumstances which are out of my control. Simple tasks are no longer simple. Chemo is horrible but part of the fight. For those who have gone through this battle, once again there are no words to explain the physical pain it causes along with the psychological pain and frustration when your body betrays you.
Babies and children are not excused and I now have a new intimate understanding of this disease as well as a new understanding of that six letter word. There was a time when the word cancer was just a scary word, but now it rules my life. How dare this happen after I have suffered the worst thing that could happen? But just like child loss, cancer does not discriminate. Seriously, God? Universe? Why?
This time there have been life lessons. Once again, you find out what you mean to others. I have learned that I am loved. That I know for sure. I find myself asking others whether they are supporting me because they think I am going to die or if they want to help me to live. I need Team Recovery supporters and cannot stress how much I need to believe I can beat this because I have learned I am not ready to join my precious Amy. How cruel to steal my daughter and then find myself living inside of another nightmare? How dare my family have to watch me suffer and live in fear that our small family will shrink again. Its not fair. Life isnt fair.
I am angry, sick, and tired. Chemo is as horrible as I have heard but couldn’t truly imagine. Radiation is no picnic either. Losing your hair steals the last sense you have of yourself. So you are forced to muster up the courage to look in the mirror to put on your “cute” scarf. People try to reassure you that you look just fine but you see the difference and it ain’t pretty. I am so darn tired but Team Recovery wants me to push, push, push while my body screams rest, rest rest.
People are kind, thoughtful and generous to people who have this horrific disease. Well, at least MY people have been kind to me. Cancer takes a toll on relationships. Roles change. Resentment brews. Depression sets in. Responsibilities are overloaded and you quickly learn the true meaning of the vows you take — for better or for worse.
Hello! Who wouldn’t be depressed if they had cancer? Why would anyone question why I am so sad? And totally overwhelmed! However, I am also so grateful to every single person who has supported me in whatever way they could. I never spent one night alone in the hospital and I must have had over 50 visitors during the 3 different hospital/rehab stays and continue to have countless visitors, gifts and food at home. We are so blessed to have the precious family and friends supporting us. I cant say that enough!
After reading this post, please don’t comment about how sorry you are … or leave me with the thoughts and prayers pity phrase. Prayers are welcome! Light a candle for me. Light a candle or say a prayer for Amy. It goes without saying that this sucks and you feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for me.
As we enter the most wonderful time of the year, I am once again so grateful to those who have showed up and supported me in so many loving ways these past 3 years, but how am I to manage being a bereaved Mom with cancer during this holiday season. I dont know how to be a Mom who lost a child and now one who is also battling cancer. Just so happens I have 2 chemo treatments (each 6 hour sessions) in December. Joy to the world.
I will write again when my energy permits. In the meantime, I am battling cancer and appreciate your prayers that I can beat this and will be granted more time to spend with my loved ones on this side of the veil. Please join my Team Recovery by saying a prayer for me. I feel the angel hugs from my Amy who reassured my heart she is doing just fine without me. That knowledge does not make me miss her less or make her death ok. I still want her back. I will always want her here with me.
Please pray for me while I am fighting this hideous disease and always loving and missing my Amy.