There are no words in the dictionary which adequately describe the pain which I have been dealing with since my daughter collapsed and died. There is no easy way around, over or through it. As I have said many times, time does not heal all wounds and this is one of those wounds. My only hope is that time will eventually soften me as well as this unimaginable pain and I can aspire to be “okay” again for longer stretches of time. Based on where I am standing now along this freaking journey, feeling good is probably a stretch, but time will tell.
I keep myself compulsively busy. There has not been one day that I gave in to just retreating to my bed. Yet, so what! No matter where I go or what I am doing, there is no escaping the sadness and the sorrow. It hurts to live without her.
No one chooses to be embedded in this sorrow. I would imagine those around me who are not affected by my loss would be growing impatient with my inability to “snap out of it”. “It” being get over the loss of my daughter?!
When I was going to a shrink and sitting on that white loveseat for 8 months, I remember asking her “what can I do to help myself get through this.” Notice I did not say “get over” as even during the earliest days, I knew that was not an option.
Her response was that I was doing everything right. Huh? I suppose every doctor/grief counselor’s prescription for grief is a little different. If I asked my pastor, who has been MIA in terms of support, I imagine he would say, Let Go and Let God. God had a plan, etc. Whatever. Despite being able to walk over to our home, he hasn’t reached out personally to us since he had us come to him to plan the funeral. In all fairness to this priest, I never depended on him to help me yet these are unusual circumstances and we sure would have benefited from a little religious comfort/guidance. My faith is gone but I truly hope it returns some day. Maybe I need to go in a different direction. I miss that invisible security blanket.
My anger and frustration is apparent in every post I write. After each post, I wonder to myself if maybe my next post will contain more clarity, acceptance and wisdom of why bad stuff happens to good people. Not so much why it happened to me, but why it happened to Amy? You could search the world and it would be difficult to find many who had her pure heart. Again and again I can’t help but wonder if maybe she was indeed too good for this world. When someone passes away, it’s easy to make them into a saint, yet she truly had a rare kindness, compassion and wisdom that most of us lack. She was not perfect; who is? However, her heart was perfectly pure.
I hold the people in my life to high standards. That’s just the way I tick and maybe that is why I struggle with those who have hurt me or disappointed me during this nightmare. In all fairness to those who step outside of their own personal comfort zones to help me, well, all I can say is that you have given me the energy to get out of bed each day and face this foreign world which screams at me every other minute that my daughter is gone.
Today is the 10 month anniversary of my living hell on earth. That may seem like a strong statement to those who have never experienced this kind of pain so I will excuse you if you feel compelled to roll your eyes and click your tongue wondering why is this woman still whining about losing her daughter … let’s hope God or the universe never gives you this “life lesson.”
10 months later — not much has changed from 8.4.13.
Still crying every day — check.
Still not listening to music — check.
Still having grief ambushes — check.
Still not sleeping well — check.
Still dazed and confused — check.
Still feel like I live in a foreign dimension — check.
Still want to throw myself on the floor and sob from the reality — check.
Still have to self coach myself to get out of bed each day — check.
Still reactive to those that piss me off with their lack of depth and self serving egos — check.
Still grateful for my husband, son, daughter and family and friends who love me even when most times I feel unlovable — check
Still eternally grateful to those who are helping me with my Amy projects — check!
Still grateful to those who to take the time to put something at the cemetery for my young daughter — check!
Still grateful to those who still want to spend time with us — check.
Still discovering the amazing compassion that some of my family and friends are capable of — grateful check!
Still blown away by the kindness which comes from those who do not know me yet reach out to me — grateful check!
Still finding unbelievable compassion for those who carry this same loss in their life yet want to help me too — heartfelt check.
Still want my Amy back — CHECK!
Remember Amy.
26 thoughts on “Ten Months of Unimaginable Pain”
Susan brown
Dee, I can relate so much to the account you gave with your pastor being MIA. The hope is that the clergy will be there for us when we need consoling. I was also deserted by my clergy when my husband died. It adds another layer of desolation upon an already difficult time. It caused me to rethink the role of the church in my life. It is now absent.
Continued thoughts for you and your family as you continue to look for peace. -Susan
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deeincollingo
Thank you, Susan. Sorry you experienced that at a time when you needed that support. I understand your frustration.
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deb
xoxox
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deeincollingo
Thank you Deb.
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tersiaburger
16.5 months after my precious daughter died I can only say “ditto”. Hugs and gentle thoughts.
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deeincollingo
Tersia, oh it’s such a horrible pain and I am sorry you can relate because I know how devastating it is to live without our girls. Thank you for considering my post worthy of reblogging.
Sending you a warm hug.
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tersiaburger
Reblogged this on Vic's Final Journey and commented:
Ditto…
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DW
Dee – a chunk of us is now missing. We want our daughters back. I so identify with your check list of what is going on.
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deeincollingo
Dru, you know only too well the invisible wound (as you refer to it) that we live with every minute of every day. Hugs to you, my friend.
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grahamforeverinmyheart
My husband and I attended some Compassionate Friends meetings the first year and we learned that according to their point of view, parents whose children died within the last FIVE years are considered newly bereaved. 10 months is the blink of an eye (and it also feels like forever). Unfortunately you are getting closer to the first anniversary. Your fellow bereaved parents are here for you anytime you want to “talk”.
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deeincollingo
Thanks for your continued support, Jennifer, as you struggle with your own devastating loss of your son. We, too, go to Compassionate Friends.
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brokenmother
I wonder if we will ever have a day without unimaginable pain. Thank you for sharing, all my fellow broken mothers have helped assure me that I am not completely crazy in my feelings.
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deeincollingo
It’s such a nightmare and I am so very sorry you can relate.
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Melissa
I am approaching the 6 month mark. I still wait for my son to come up the driveway or half expect to find him playing his guitar when I walk into his room. Everyday I face the realization again and again that he is gone to a place I can’t get to. I hope you continue to find the strength to get out of bed and face each day.
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deeincollingo
Melissa, I, too, have those expectations that Amy will come bouncing in the door … The reality is excruciating. You are not alone.
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miragreen
Holding all of you in my heart. The pain we are forced to carry is unimaginable to those who haven’t lost like we have. Dee, I’m glad you’re sharing. I know it helps me to blog no matter how crazy I sometimes sound. Keep writing and know (all of you) that I’m always an ear and shoulder. Wishing you all peace for the days ahead.
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deeincollingo
Mira, I am always grateful for the support we get from one another. No one judges and everyone is always willing to offer support.
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miragreen
So very true.
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edcol52
Dee, your checklist matches my own. I know we never “get over it”, but only get through it, one day after the other. As the others who have commented here, I wish you whatever peace you can eke out of your days, and small comfort it may be, there are those of us who know what you go through daily, and are by your side on this horrific journey.
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deeincollingo
Ed, been wondering how you and your wife are doing. It sure does help to be understood by those among us who are struggling to find our way after losing our precious child. Only we know the true challenge it is to co-exist with this relentless pain.
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Susan
Dear Dee and you others that have lost,
You say what I said 17 years ago when my husband dropped dead of v-fib at the bank. I went through everything you mentioned above. I still cry at times. I am convinced you don’t “get over it” but rather that you get used to a new normal. I do not look for him anymore, I do not expect him to come home. But I will always and forever miss my best friend. Know that you are not alone in your grief and sadness and that there really are those out there that care!
Susan
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deeincollingo
Susan, so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for reading my post and your caring words.
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Denise
Earlier on in my blog I wrote about how there are no words for this. Any word I could think of to describe what I was feeling, I’d already used before: grief, mourning, sorrow, terror, despair – whatever word, I’d used it before so how could I use it to describe the indescribable. The language for this hasn’t been invented. But since all I have is words, I have to use what I can, and I keep writing because I need. And I am so very sorry that you, too, have to know that need.
Wishing some peace to come your way.
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deeincollingo
Thank you, Denise. You are right that there are no words.
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cherylfoston
Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Dee, I have included several bible scriptures to help you through your pain. I understand how you may feel in regards to your pastor, but you must remember he is just a man of this world just like the rest of us in the world. He is not the one you should be putting your faith in. Please don’t doubt God’s words, He knows your pain and if you keep the faith and believe things will get better for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Time is what you need and it is ok to feel the pain you are feeling due to your lost, but trust and believe things will get better in time. It may be tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year, but it will get better. You seem to have other support besides your pastor, so hold on to that. God Bless! – Cheryl
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deeincollingo
Thank you for the reminders that I am not alone. I have not given up on Him even though I am not feeling His comfort now. Still open to His healing and will never close that door.
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